On a day like today when it's gloomy and rainy I have to think about light. Grammy, you were the one that would listen to the ramblings of a little girl who maybe talked too much. I've come to realise all children talk sometimes a bit too much. We lived in Cleveland. You worked at the post office at night. I remember driving you to work in a station wagon that had the wood panel on the outside. It didn't matter if it was summer we would sing "Frosty The Snowman." Through the imagination of a child the Terminal Tower always looked like Frosty. For as long as I could remember you always seemed ill.
You would laugh at times but I don't know of a time when you seemed healthy. In every picture from the time I was born you looked sad and if I could I would ask why. I think I know why but I don't want to jump to conclusions. You didn't have an easy life but you really tried to make life easier for every one else.
We all have our issues with the circumstances as they were. There isn't a single one of us who doesn't. I need you to understand grammy, I love you a great deal. "I feel sorry for him" just doesn't give me complete closure on what happened in our family. I want to feel angry and I can't because that's how much I love you. It makes me angry that I want to feel angry. I have so many more questions unanswered and it took so much courage to ask "why?" Courage that to this day, I don't think I could muster up if you were facing me now. I don't know why I had to say all of this on this blog. Maybe I feel like this is my last connection to you.
What I really wanted to say was you were my light in a very dark time. That I miss you regardless of all the pent up emotions and inner demons inside myself. I miss sitting on the swing in silence and then after a few minute you would hum a song. I miss the stories of the past that you insisted great gram could tell better but great gram was not like you she was a little callous and not very pleasant to be around. I miss sitting on the swing at night and watching the glittering diamonds in the sky with you.
The day I had my son after every one left I cried. My baby would never get to grow with you in his life. When I was pregnant with our second child my husband and I argued over our daughters name. I wanted to give her as a first name Josephine my husband said it sounded too old and he didn't like it but we compromised and it is her middle name. The baby, if I put black hair on his head looks like you. He has that Salisbury chin the one that you passed down to all of us. Now, he sits in my lap crying because he conked his head and the little chin even wrinkles in the same way.
Even though there was a lot of turmoil, gram, I love you and miss you.
What I really wanted to say was you were my light in a very dark time. That I miss you regardless of all the pent up emotions and inner demons inside myself. I miss sitting on the swing in silence and then after a few minute you would hum a song. I miss the stories of the past that you insisted great gram could tell better but great gram was not like you she was a little callous and not very pleasant to be around. I miss sitting on the swing at night and watching the glittering diamonds in the sky with you.
The day I had my son after every one left I cried. My baby would never get to grow with you in his life. When I was pregnant with our second child my husband and I argued over our daughters name. I wanted to give her as a first name Josephine my husband said it sounded too old and he didn't like it but we compromised and it is her middle name. The baby, if I put black hair on his head looks like you. He has that Salisbury chin the one that you passed down to all of us. Now, he sits in my lap crying because he conked his head and the little chin even wrinkles in the same way.
Even though there was a lot of turmoil, gram, I love you and miss you.
